Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
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She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
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My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.