I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I think a kid would responsible me up
These 25 Drunks Should’ve Gotten Cut Off A Long Time Ago
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God