I heard we made out
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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