I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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