I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
