She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
No subtext here. People are naked.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
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Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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