when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Randomize
