I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
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