Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
