I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
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