You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
