It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
