We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
