i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
you didnt know i had herpes?
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
