On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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