If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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