I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
