Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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