Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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