My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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