I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
