I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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