Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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