there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
