I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
