just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
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Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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