We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
