Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
