i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
