Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
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