he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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