just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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