All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize
