Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
