i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
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