I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
If its not for food we ain't going out.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
