I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
