I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
