Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
