I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Randomize
