now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
