at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
