i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
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