So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
