Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
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