either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize
