My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
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