he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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