Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
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The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
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That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
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