foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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