this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'