My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
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You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
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Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
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