You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
