So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
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this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
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When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided