got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
