There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
