apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
