I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Randomize
