I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
