worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
