every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
