did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
