I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
