Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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