i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
